Here it is. The first post of the ramblings of a crazy loon. 🙂 To be honest, I’m a little weirded out by the idea that there’s anyone interested in reading my thoughts or opinions. I’m not trying to elicit any sympathy here. I honestly don’t know why anyone would be interested. I’m a student guy with random deepness, but usually it’s just a lot of surface stuff. I’m on a journey. You can go with me, if you want. I’ve been writing a lot lately, so I’ll post as often as I think it makes sense. I’m not going to try to recruit anyone with this stuff. It’s going to be exactly what it’s called: My Thoughts. They’re not always going to be right, but they will be honest.
Over the last few months, I’ve undergone a mental breakdown of sorts. Not the type that we have to watch out for and monitor. It’s more the type that has caused me to wonder. A lot. I’ve spent hours sitting and staring into space just trying to come to grips with whatever it is that’s trying to move within me. There are a few people in my life that know all of the story and they’re concerned, mostly because I can’t even articulate what’s going on. When I try to explain, I stutter a lot, ramble a lot, talk gibberish, and communicate nothing at all. Again, if you’re reading this and you’re not familiar with me, I am not in danger, I’m just in search mode. I’ve started calling it the white noise. 🙂
During these last few months, I’ve been forced to confront some of the investments I’ve made and openly question whether I made the right decisions. That’s such a scary place to be. I’m not in the early stage of my career, I’m way past that point. I don’t get to start over with something new. I’m in it… all the way… no turning back. So scary. I guess I should be honest enough to say that it’s a lot of fear. I need to know that I’ve made the right decisions… that what I’ve spent the majority of my life pursuing, that what I’ve asked my family to be about… is all worth it. And I think that’s the point of everything we do, right? We want to know that the decisions we’ve made will have impact far beyond our years. What a waste of a life if all we’re about is forgotten as soon as we’re gone. If I’ve sacrificed everything to be forgotten, why did I do it?
I’m a student pastor. I love my job most days. Some days, I’d rather work with cactus. Sometimes, they’re easier to hug than a lot of people. How’s that for a visual? It’s true, though. And again, to be honest, it’s probably easier to hug a cactus than to hug me some days. I’m not immune to this stuff. I get overwhelmed with life and become tough to deal with. I get lost in the busyness, stuck in work mode, forget to breathe, and start resenting all that I’m supposed to be about. I need to be reminded to stop and look around, to become aware of the world around me, the people, my family, my calling, my God. Maybe that’s what this blog is supposed to be about. A way to bring me back to center, a way to cause the noise to stop, a way for me to realize how out of control things really are, a way to remind me it’s about loving others like Jesus does.
We need people
Here’s one of the things I think I’m beginning to realize about me: I need people. We need people. Not lots of people, just a few who I know really, truly, deeply care about me. Not because of my status or how big my profile is in the community, but simply because they love me as I am, flaws and all. Am I worth being cared for like that? I want to believe so, but just like all of you, I wonder, a lot. As I mentioned already, I believe we want to know that when this life is over, we made a lasting impact. But WHILE this life is going on, we want to know that someone loves us and misses us, and hopes we come back soon. I want desperately for someone to know the things that have hurt me, scare me, make me stop in my tracks and run away.
I have a lot of surface relationships because that’s the nature of my job. There are hundreds of students and adult volunteers involved in the ministry I get to be a part of, and I know many of them by name. I don’t know them the way I think they should be known, though. They need to be known at the heart level. Our student ministry often teaches about loving God and loving others. We drive this home as often as we can. Relationships are critical for our survival, and when those relationships exist through committed Christians, I believe we have the best chance of making it. We all should have people in our lives that know us well enough to call us out on things, to watch out for us and warn us when they think we’re stepping too close to the edge, to remind us to lean even when we don’t want to, and to encourage us to trust when there’s never been a reason for us to do so before. I firmly believe that life is supposed to be about relationships and I think we need a few relationships that invest at the deepest part of who we are. I’ve been lucky enough to have a few people step into my life that remind me to do these things. I’ve been called out and it hurts, but it’s also a freedom that I’ve been waiting for. I have a long way to go, but I’m on my way. Maybe you could start searching, too?
You are loved…